PARENTING TEENS TO DATE SUCCESSFULLY
Many people feel overwhelmed or fearful at the prospect of their teenager dating, and with good reason. Teen dating can be a terrifying. There are so many hormones, emotional traps, relational entanglements and dangers for teenagers today. Who, why , when and how your teens date will have an enormous effect on their future and emotional well being. In this blog I will discuss some practical ways you can help your teenager successfully navigate dating. These are truths we have discovered raising our own teenagers and helping other parents as they navigate the teen dating scene.
- START THE CONVERSATION ASAP. Many parents don’t have healthy conversations about dating at all, and those who do, often wait too late. Today’s kids are growing up faster than ever because of the culture we live in, so begin conversations about dating early. If you wait too late, they will have been informed about dating by their friends at school or already have made a few mistakes that shape their perspective and expectations of dating. Emphasize the importance of friendships and set a healthy timeline of when they should realistically expect to start dating.
- BECOME THE COACH. Parents are often emotional but coaches are strategic. Talk about their future and begin to cast vision. Set them up for success by starting with the goal in mind. Dating as the goal is not a plan for success. Ask them what they want to do in the future or what they may feel called to do, then ask what type of person would pair well with their plans and their own personality. Asking at what age they want to get married will begin the conversation about when it might be time to start dating. For example if they want to go to college and get married in their early or mid 20’s it probably is not a good idea to date in middle or high school. Dating in middle or high school is time and emotional energy invested in a relationship that likely won’t lead to marriage. Yes there are some who marry right out of high school but the vast majority would be wise to wait to date. Proverbs 22:6 says to “Train up a child in the way he should go”. Stop trying and start training them to succeed. Let them know the risks associated with dating, emotionally, physically, mentally and that they will avoid much of the pain and turmoil of teen dating if they wait. Think of training for dating like training a puppy. You want to start early, be clear in your expectations and be consistent.
- ASK THEM ABOUT MARRIAGE. What kind of person do you want to marry? And yes, marriage is the goal! We live in a culture where couples move in together before marriage or just live together instead of getting married and that has had a devastating effect on the next generation of kids who grow up without a skewed picture of life-long covenant between a man and woman. Most teens are simply getting caught up in a culture of pairing up and not being strategic about the long-term vision or plan for their lives.
- TALK ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF FRIENDSHIP. Teens need good, healthy, steady friendships but often live in a cycle of drama as a result of teen dating. Talk to your kids early about protecting their friendships, instead of dating, help them understand the cost of dating at a young age. Early dating usually results in breaking up, hurt feelings, friends taking sides and losing friends. The drama that comes with dating too early can, and usually does, create insecurities, emotional barriers and patterns that they carry into adulthood. Long term healthy friendships are the goal. Even if that boy or girl is the one they will one day marry, developing a healthy long term friendship will save them both from the scars of dating too early.
- TALK TO YOUR TEEN EARLY ABOUT THE DANGER OF PREDATORS. We live in a scary world and they need to be aware of the realities of people who want to prey on kids and teenagers and how they go about doing that. Warn them about online activity, social media apps and warn them to never meet up with another kid or go somewhere without your permission or supervision. Teach them to never respond to a text from someone they don’t personally know and under no circumstance should they ever meet up with another kid. The reality is that many predators pretend to be other kids on line and then set up meetings with kids or teens and kidnap them at the meeting. Let them know you aren’t against having friends or meeting up but it needs to be supervised, in trusted groups and in a safe environment.
- TEACH THEM WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. I believe every family and person needs to have a written mission, vision, strategy, values and goals. This helps them have a sense of who they are and helps them have more clarity on who they will one day date and what type of person they might potentially marry. Most kids start dating and then find out later that their character and values don’t align. Have conversations about the importance of values like, humility, grit, generosity, unity, honor and excellence. What does that look like and what is the result of a relationship with a person that does not share those values. They may not always get it right, but when they don’t they will usually look back at these values and seek those values out in the next relationship. Here is a link to my blog on how to build a mission, vision, strategy values and goals. https://davidjsuccess.com/building-a-strong-culture/
- PAINT A PICTURE OF HEALTHY DATING. When it is time to date it is important to have a healthy and clear plan. They need to come to you and have an honest discussion about their intentions. If they can’t have an honest conversation with you, they aren’t mature enough to date. You need to meet the other young person and make sure they understand the expectations you have of the dating relationship. Things can get especially tricky when one of them reaches the age of 18 and the other may still be a minor. Talk about things like when to talk on the phone, when it is ok to text and what it is ok to text. These will serve as a guardrail to give the relationship a better chance of remaining healthy. Another tip is to go out in and staying in groups. If your teen doesn’t have the character to do things the right way in the beginning of the relationship then moving on will usually be a disaster and you will need to be there to help pick up the pieces.
- MEET THE OTHER PARENTS. This will tell you a lot about the boy or girl’s values and moral culture. Meet with the other teen’s parents to discuss healthy guardrails for the the relationship only if you feel like the relationship is a good idea. Parenting is hard enough without having another parent giving your kids different advice. Allowing the other parent to take a mentoring role in your teen’s life is not a good idea because if the relationship doesn’t last, the teen will likely lose a mentor as well as a boyfriend or girlfriend.
- TALK TO THEM ABOUT WAITING UNTIL AFTER MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX. No parent enjoys talking to their teen about sex but it is absolutely necessary. Sex is like fire. It is wonderful inside a fireplace, but if you take it out of the fireplace it becomes messy, destructive and dangerous. God created sex for marriage between one man and one woman. That is the fireplace. Everything else leads to emotional, physical and spiritual damage. Teach them to guard their hearts and minds from entertainment, television, music and images that might create lust or lustful thoughts. Sex before marriage isn’t really love it is the result of living in a sexualized culture. If you teach them to guard their minds, have good guardrails and live purely, they can have a pure relationship.
- MONITOR THEIR PHONES AND DEVICES. Have healthy measures in place like screen time and apps that report what they are viewing online. We use Covenant Eyes in our family. https://www.covenanteyes.com/how-it-works/ Give them access to text or call certain people at certain times. This is not only important to their safety in the culture we live in but it is important to having healthy patterns of communication. Teach them that one inappropriate text or image can change the course of their lives. Set times for when they can text or call, make sure devices stay in common areas and not in their bedrooms. Smart phones and devices are one of the single biggest threats to their mental and emotional health. Manage them diligently.
- ENGAGE A TRUSTED MENTOR. Having another faith-filled adult that has rapport with your child and is someone that you truly trust is very helpful. There are times that your child won’t listen to you but will listen to another adult. Having someone you can talk to that can relay those things to your teen is a true blessing. Make sure it is someone with a proven track record of humility, grit, generosity, unity, love, honor and excellence.
- BE FIRM. Teenagers have a tendency to test boundaries and try to get away with things. It is easy to fly off the handle in anger but it is important to retain your composure. Let them know you love them but have a responsibility as a parent to help them reach their full potential and keep them from harm. Talk to them about your values, remind them of the plan and put the appropriate guard rails in place. If you need to take away the phone, do it. They will get angry and try to make you feel guilty. Let them know you understand how hard it is to be a teenager and that you are praying for them.
- MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS. When and how you say things is just as important as what you say. Practice speaking low and slow, especially when you are angry. Usually people get a higher tone when emphasizing something and sound impatient, frustrated or desperate and lose credibility in their teens eyes. Speak with faith and confidence not frustration and insecurity. This will have a big impact on how your instruction is received. When you mess up or overreact, apologize. Apologizing when you don’t get it right builds trust with your teen.
- EMPATHIZE WITH THEIR LOSS. When they go through a breakup help them to process their feelings. Don’t go into “I told you so” mode or talk negatively about the ex. Teach them to process pain and grief, acknowledge their feelings and lean on God. Help them see the advantages of long friendships and the pitfalls of teen relationships moving forward. They might have a hard time expressing their grief and sadness but this is important. You may get a mentor or professional counselor that can help them process. Unprocessed grief pollutes future decisions. Often you will see teenagers develop the habit of jumping from one relationship to another. This is usually the result of unprocessed grief and an addiction to dopamine and oxytocin released in our brains during the early phases of relationships. Properly processed grief provides perspective for the future. They will learn to think rationally when we take the time to help them acknowledge and navigate their emotions.
- BE CONSISTENT. Don’t give up just because they mess up or you have a set back. Your consistency is the one thing your teenager needs when everything else is changing – from their hormones, to their relationships. Strong-willed teens will push back and try to negotiate, they will get angry at you, be emotional, even try to manipulate you. Keep reminding them that God has a plan for their lives and your rules are in place to help them reach their full potential. If you don’t give up on them or let them ruin their lives with the wrong relationships or relationships they aren’t ready for, they will love you and thank you in the end. Wrong timing can ruin a right relationship. Here is link to a video from James Dobson discussing raising strong-willed children. https://youtu.be/XHJsJIjKRwQ?si=fWn5YA9aXXl6q-h6
- CREATE A CULTURE OF DISCUSSION. Take time to sit each evening with your teenager. Turn off the television, put the devices away and ask them about different parts of their day. Some kids are very open, others take longer but this is an important practice for them emotionally and it is important in their dating journey. They will have questions that you may or may not have answers for. You can be honest if you don’t know the answer. Find out together. Have a place that the two of you go to get ice cream or a burger and just catch up. These moments have been some of the most meaningful times in our journey raising our four kids. Use this time to listen and to encourage them. Remind them they were created by God for a great purpose and that comes with responsibility of using wisdom in relationships. Tell them the good that you see in them, affirm them and help them believe in themselves and in God’s plan.
- PRAY FOR YOUR KIDS. Teenagers are not only battling hormones, they are in a spiritual battle as well. Scripture says the following: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 ESV. Your teenager has a real enemy and they have a God who loves them. Pray for God to give you wisdom and for God to protect them, to guard their hearts, minds and bodies. You can’t be with your teenager at all times but God can and He will. Prayer is powerful. He may reveal things that they might be doing in secret. Pray that God to give them wisdom and courage to do what is right in the decisions they make. Every teenager needs praying parents.
- PRAY WITH YOUR KIDS. It is one thing for your child to know you are praying for them but another thing all together for them to hear you praying for God’s plan and God’s protection over them. They will know that they are not alone and they don’t have to figure it out by themselves. Praying with your kids empowers them to begin praying on their own. There is a comfort knowing God has a plan for their lives even if they struggle at times to do the right thing. There is a constant battle between the desires of the flesh and the desires of the spirit. Praying with your kids feeds their spirit. One day they will have kids and they will remember how you prayed for them and with them.
- TEACH THEM IT IS OK TO WALK AWAY. Dating is not marriage. Some teens have a strong sense of loyalty and struggle to end a dating relationship that they are not happy in. They may fear the backlash of a manipulative boyfriend or girlfriend, they may be afraid to lose friends, disappointing one or both sets of parents or they may just not want to be alone. Remind them that you will support them even if doing the right thing is hard or unpopular. Ending a dating relationship that is not healthy or God’s best for them takes courage but is absolutely worth it and they will one day be glad they walked away even if it is hard now.
The culture we live in is especially tough on teenagers beginning to date but with a game plan, you can help them succeed. God does have a plan for their lives, He created them for someone special and God created someone special for them. Love them your child, be clear, consistent and set godly standards and they will make it. I pray God’s wisdom, courage and blessings on you as you navigate the world of helping your teenager succeed in the dating world.