48 HABITS THAT BUILD A BEAUTIFUL MARRIAGE – PART 1

Trust habits: Trust is the foundation of every good relationship and it is also more than a feeling or something you have or don’t have.  Strong marriages are those intentional about understanding, building and repairing trust.  The ability to listen, understand, empathize and communicate consistently in a healthy way are critical to building trust in a marriage.  One resource I highly recommend is “Trust” by Dr. Henry Cloud.  Here is a link to one of his articles on trust. https://www.drcloud.com/post/the-anatomy-of-trust Here are 4 practical ways to build trust.

1. Build healthy communication

Communication can be one of the most frustrating things to learn in marriage because men and women communicate differently.

Listen to understand not to respond.  Practice affirming what they said and are feeling before you tell your side of the story or focus on your perspective.  Don’t just hear them, listen to them.  Practice telling them what they just told you. For instance “so what I heard you say is, it hurt your feelings when I sat down to watch television and there were dirty dishes in the sink.”  If she says yes.  Then affirm that you understand and then you can share your circumstances.  If she says no, then have her tell you again and repeat it to her again.  

Communicate clearly and directly.  Let them know how you feel, what they did and what they can do differently.  Couples often want their spouse to guess or figure out what is wrong.  One effective way that counselors teach couple to communicate is.  “I feel _____ when you _____, I need you to _____.”  Repeat back to your spouse what they said then give them the opportunity to clarify.  This is simple yet effective communication

We earn trust when we truly listen to our spouse.  You’ve done a good job listening when they feel heard.  Trust is also built when we trust our spouse enough to express ourselves.  It can be hard even scary to trust but that is the only your relationship can grow. 

2. Give up the smart phone password

One way I often recommend to couples trying to build trust is to give each other your phone passcodes.  My wife and I have always had each other’s passcodes.  Smart phones are one of the leading causes of loss of trust within marriages.  People are spending more time on social media, online, watching videos or texting than ever before and the results on trust within the marriage are always negative.  Isolation and temptation are almost always the end result of time spent on the smart phones.  Giving your spouse access to your phone makes them feel like you are wanting to be accountable and build trust rather than trying to hide something.

3. Go on a yearly vision retreat

Many marriages struggle because of a lack of vision and the result is couples living reactively rather than proactively.  A marriage retreat doesn’t just happen because you intend to, it happens because you put in on the calendar ahead of time.  Schedule a time to get away for a couple of days  to review your mission, vision, strategy, values and goals.  Set daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and lifetime goals. Look for my soon coming blog on how to have a successful vision retreat.

4. Establish a missional culture

Create language for your specific mission, vision, strategy, values and goals. Every marriage and  family needs to have common language that helps them understand what they do, why they do it, how they do it and what they are doing right now to get it done.  Here is a blog I wrote on building strong culture https://davidjsuccess.com/building-a-strong-culture/.  Just the process of learning to communicate your shared mission will begin to build trust and unity within your marriage.

TIME habits:

Budgeting your time is critical and can be a major point of contention in marriage.  Be intentional to build rhythms that allow you to give your best to your spouse.  Your marriage can and does suffer as a result of the demands of life such as career and kids. Build margin in your calendar and rhythms that help you prioritize your spouse and family. Here are a few habits that have helped us make the most of our time together. 

5. Go to bed and get up early

Getting to bed early will allow you to be more rested and more productive in the mornings.  Evenings can be fast paced but get in the habit of planning dinner ahead of time, getting homework, showers and everyone off to bed.  (Here are a couple of blogs on planning evening meals and reading the Bible with your kids). After that, spend quality time with your spouse.  Go to bed early, talk, read, pray, enjoy each other, get good sleep, wake up early and be productive.  This routine will impact your marriage greatly.  Daily rhythms that allow time for each other emotionally, physically and spiritually is a key to building a healthy marriage.

6. Put the phone away

Smart phones are a major distraction and time thief.  The average person spends 4.5 hours on their phone or device each day.  Create no phone zones, time during each day where the phones are put away and you can spend time together as a couple of a family.  The level of anxiety and frustration individually and within marriage are raised significantly by the use of smart phones.  Not to mention spending time on social media raises the level of comparison and anxiety when you see other peoples highlights on social media and your realities

7. Turn off the television

You can’t get back time you give to the television.  The average person spends almost 3 hours each day watching traditional television. It is easy to turn on but often hard to turn off and before you know it you are going to bed later than you intended, without spending any time communicating or investing in your marriage.  Then you wake up tired the next day, feel defeated and are impatient with your spouse and kids.   Live life don’t just watch someone else live their life on television.

8. Establish 5 morning habits

When helping people recover and rebuild their marriages, I always start with one piece of advice. Do five small things each morning and one thing weekly.  

1. Make your bed and this will start your day with excellence, confidence and move you toward becoming more organized and attentive to details.  

2. Exercise by doing pushups, planks, getting on the elliptical machine, going for a run.  Exercise will build increase your sense of wellbeing and confidence.  

3. Read your Bible and your mind will be transformed day by day from the old way of thinking to a new way of life.  

4. Journal.  Journaling is a powerful way to write down what you read, observe, apply and pray as a result of your Bible reading.  Journaling is also a powerful outlet that helps to process thoughts and pain you have accumulated over time.  

5. Pray and ask God for wisdom, peace and strength to be the best spouse you can be.  Ask God to help you change first as He also changes your spouse.  In doing these things you are building habits that are making you healthier physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

Weekly: Go to church together. We’ll talk more about that later.

Here is a blog I wrote on 6 powerful habits that will change the course of your life. https://davidjsuccess.com/how-to-achieve-success-that-lasts/